looks like things are getting better.
shes starting to talk to me again.
so thats good.
talking like old times just not with all the emotions and bringing up old things...well sort of.
it comes up from time to time.
it sorta gets to me but...i gotta let that slide.
we're on good terms yeah, but i still miss her.
i kinda think back on the reasons why we broke up...
but i guess its for her own good.
i mean...
i guess...
we would have...
i don't know what im saying.
i just want her to be happy.
so im happy that shes happy.
seeing her happy really makes my day.
you all know how that feels to see someone smile.
its like you know your doing something right.

but you know what i dont like...
hearing the dreaded tales of "after the breakup"
like fucking around with other people...
oh man i hate that so much.
i don't wanna have thoughts in my head of her going out with other guys.
i do trust her...i just dont wanna think about it, you know?
i know shes not that kind of girl.
i miss spending time with her...its only been a couple of days but seems like a long time.

guess its over.
we had a long talk about things with life and how the relationship was ending. i respect her decision and maybe someday we can be together again.
it was one of those things where "she" wanted to do her own thing, and i was expecting that from her because she was always all about work/school/family/me.
friends to her weren't really in the picture when we were together. it was just me and my girlfriend. its not like i didn't want her to hang out with her friends, i always asked her if she was going to hang out with them ever, but i guess now is that time, and she wants to do it without me, how sad...feelings are gone but the love is still there.
we had our last romantic night together.
it was beautiful...we stared into each others eyes for the last time and held each other throughout the night.
the night was memorable. and i will never forget it. and i will always love her. time will find us again...and maybe we can start over...and that love will last forever.

sounds so corny doesn't it?

its when you are alone you start to feel the pain of a breakup. i tried sleeping a few hours ago but it didn't help me at all. i kept thinking about her nonstop. listening to sad songs that reminded me so much about her, thinking that its over and that it really shouldn't be, not like this. running thoughts and phrases in my head that repeated like a scratched cd. "the word ex has something to do with it" and "i have a feeling that its not over between you two"
i layed on my bed drowning in a sea of tears when suddenly i had the urge to feel her presense around me. i wanted to know if she was ok. and that she was home safe and sound. so i drove all the way up to poway. now don't get me wrong, im not crazy...i got this idea from a song that a listened to before i left the apartment. as i approached her house, i felt the same way how people get stage fright, my heart was beating like a drum. i was there in front of her house looking into complete space aimlessly. i wanted to give her some kind of clue that i was there, so i left a flyer on her windshield for todays event. hinting her to go, and hoping that she would get the clue and come and see me and end this pointless pain and suffering.
what is she trying to do to me.
this useless space between us is just same lame excuse to get out of an arguement. some kind of scapegoat to release stress from a problem that she started. why can't we be adults and work it out instead of running away from it.
you the reader should know by now how much in love i am with this girl.
this girl is my life, my everying, my world...shes everything i want in a girl.
it sounds completely insane but i am in love.
i'll do anything to solve this problem and win her back into my arms and keep her from harm.
ill cherish every moment that we have with each other and give my all to fulfill her happiness.
ill write her love letters so she can be reminded that she is loved by me.
ill invite her to family parties.
ill take her to faraway places just to get away.
i want this relationship to last and be with her for as long as i can.
and i know that somewhere in her heart that she loves me...and someday we will be back together...
but now im thinking...of yesterdays entry...i have to keep this negative thinking and throw it out.
SHIT! im going insane. i haven't even slept and i have to wake up in a couple of hours for this event.
but ill put it aside for her. do my thing and leave...and see if she wants to meet with me and solve this bullshit of a problem.

its not over...